Hello! Welcome to my Journal, a place full of (maybe) sacred thoughts and my day-to-day dread and feelings. Here, you'll find some of my darkest thoughts in their mostly pure form. I actually had to think about turning on my PC and writing it in here. This may be long and a tad boring but I hope you enjoy nonetheless!
Date: 09/04/25
This is the first entry. I'm not sure if this is good, let me be honest, it's my first time sharing my deep and honest thoughts with the world. Today was kinda bad, I just felt kind of ticked off the whole day. I keep getting so pissed off by this guy in my class. I refer to him as Diddy for the same reasons we talk about actual Diddy. He's a fucking creep.
I have no idea if he's actually retarded or something, but I always catch him staring at me and it's so weird. He also keeps like busting out laughing in the middle of class expecting all of us to go "Oh, what's so funny?" but he just doesn't get the hint cause none of us are doing anything. Like I ain't even joking! He will do that and all of us (including my teacher) would go deadass still and he'd continue and eventually stop.
The actual audacity sometimes gets me as well. Like he literally would talk over my teacher and then act "guilty". Yup, he'd talk straight over her and then only when he's finished his sentence or his bitchass thought then he goes "sorry ma'am im really trying to improve on not talking over other people" like bro WTF
Then, again, I definintely accidentally joined a special school. I tell you. I joined this school because I've been to basically every SMALL school in my area. This school is so weird. Like I come here for an education and here this school is busy doing praise and worship everyday on a Friday. I don't have the time to be singing, I've got 30 maths units waiting for me!!!
Also the kids. We talked about Diddy, but Diddy is a special case. Let me tell you about some of the lower grades. Grade 9, there is this one guy who is a leader. I don't know what you guys call it overseas but basically like a prefect or someone who is like appointed by the school as a "role model". Anyway, so they appoint this guy, and in the middle of class when it is literally dead still and someone even so much as whispers he goes SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH at the top of his lungs
good god help me. help this school actually, there's special ones here.
Date: 11/04/25
That's 1 for me and my teacher. She clocked diddy so hard today it made me smile and giggle with laughter. So this guy, he always rushes through his work so he can start laughing and then get promptly ignored by all of us. Anyway, last term he completely skipped like half his work and got bad marks but has the audacity to complain.
But you don't fuck with my teacher. Today, we had a lesson in English on a concord. As a first language, I have no idea why they are learning about a concord, I have no idea what that even is. Anyway, so my teacher first asks him "explain it to me like I'm in grade 3." and he starts fumbiling because he doesn't know. Then, my teacher gets an actual grade 3 and says "explain."
All of my class are now watching in pure delight as this poes gets so humbled and it just made me so happy that someone finally put him in his fucking place where he belongs.
Also I was working and he keeps on doing this thing where he starts busting out laughing in the middle of class. But it's one of those annoying ahh laughs where he's definitely fishing for attention. He wants us all to laugh with him but we don't and just ignore him
It makes me glad he doesn't get any of the attention. Sue me but I was busy asking ChatGPT for advice on this guy and if he was a sociopath and ChatGPT said yes so...
I'm just glad he keeps getting clocked by someone everyday. Ma'am said "are you sure you understand" and he went "yes" and she went "if they ask it in the exam will you know what to do?" he said yes but my petty ass said no. He looked at me and went "yes" and I said "no, you can't because if you could you could explain it to the grade 3" and he just shut up.
Damn fucking straight you piece of shit.
Date: 13/04/25
Today is my cousin's birthday, but that's kind of irrelevant to this entry's topic. I've got an idea for a Roblox game and I'm also getting a new PC (mac mini m4).
If you see I've uploaded a bunch of pages it's because I'm going from windows to mac and I cannot transferm my files any other way. So this diary, cosmic cats, my new homepage, shrine, page 2 of my photo album will all be uploaded to neocities but im hoping since I don't add links to them on my homepage nobody sees it.
That's also why the page next to this entry says "coming soon" i'm probably getting that PC this week and my parents will sponsor me ~R1000.
Anyway, back to my Roblox game idea. I'm sure many have had this idea and also failed, but I really want a Royale High inspired game. I know I can learn Lua. I learned Css and HTML in about 3 weeks, obviously this is a much more complex coding language, so I think I may hold off on learning JavaScript and learning Lua instead. I'm hoping just to have this game as a sort of "side hustle" if it gets popular.
I know the girls are thirsty for a new game. DTI is problematic and it's gameplay is highly repetitive. I want to kind of expand on Royale High by giving the community what they want, making getting currency fun and also making the school less of a teleport situation.
I HATE teleporting around in Royale High, so I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. There are some things I swear down on my nan's grave I will NEVER add to the game simply because I watched them destroy Royale High
Most of my idea is making a school with dressing up like royale high but with the realism of DTI and the mechanics of this one game I played on roblox called Enchanted Academy
Why I want to include Enchanted Academy is because I like that you can become a vampire, or a ghoul, or a kind of monster, that is something really cool that I love.
Also as a ode to all the eras of roblox games I played, I want to have like a cooking class such as Frappe or Pastriez, I want a gymnastics class, I want a Ballet class and also just for fun an art class as well because I love art.
I'm going to have to learn Lua to code all of this nowđ
Date: 15/04/25
I got my school report back today and I did best in the class! Yippee! But thats not what I'm writing about. I'm getting so triggered everyday by Diddy it's not even funny. I had my teacher back me up on that, because we were walking to the office together and she said to me "You know, I don't know how to address Diddy(she used his real name, that feels like saying a sin) laughing in class. He's too loud and distracting the other kids." and I just told her "Just ask ChatGPT, that's what I do, I put it on voice note and start venting and just ask for advice." and she agreed with me. My mom said she should probably pull him aside and just address it with him
I can't actually tell you what the fuck is wrong with that child. I seriously can't. I don't know if he's just emotionally unintelligent or actually fucking retarded but it just infurates me to another level. Every time he does something he HAS to look at me. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I've felt so uncomfortable since the start of the year. He even makes the boys feel uncomfortable.
Like I'm sorry for the boys but at least he isn't attracted to you and trying to touch you the whole time. I wanted to mention that as well...He still tries to stand behind me and watch me bend over. Tell me you're a porn addict without telling me you're a porn addict. Seriously. What the actual fuck? Watching your underaged classmate put her books inside of her book box. He probably gets off to it as well. I want to actually dissolve into the wall.
I have to mention my friend today in class. So he does another one of his cringe ass laughs, me, her and my teacher all make eye contact with one another. She is poker face, she gives him a glare and then looks at me and I nearly busted out laughing. It was so crazy. I've never seen her so pissed off. Let me be honest it pissed me off as well, but it made me laugh seeing her face.
I'm always asking ChatGPT for advice as well. I'll start venting to it and asking it for advice on how to approach a situation. I'm scared he tries to come from a different angle and catch me off guard. Right now I'm just keeping my distance and shutting down all conversation between us. I don't know if that is productive but it seems to be working. He can complain, my magic line is:
"He makes me feel uncomfortable"
This was lowkey long help I'm just feeling mad today. I wrote in my actual real-life journal aboout forgiveness because I'm being bitter about the past again.
Date: 16/04/25
Oh wow! Double entries! I'm writing this at 21:13 at night, so if you notice any grammar issues or mistakes i'm sorry âšď¸
I'm really tired. Like I literally am so tired. Term 2 is a serious term. The work isn't that hard, and I'm going to study the way I did for the first term (writing notes, re-writing what I know on my whiteboard and doing activites + past papers) because I found actually applying the knowledge meant I learned it inside out. Also doing activites from these particular workbooks I have are very hard, so I know how to answer hard questions in the exam. Hopefully this works well this term. I did it for geography(88%) and tourism(94%) last term.
I love how in every entry I have to rant about Diddy, but he's seriously ruining it for all of us now. So my teacher is very chilled and lets us wear headphones in class and listen to music. He actively ignores her and just fucking disrespects her, so now she's told us that we're not allowed to wear headphones when she's explaining. You may wonder "well...its not so bad! ...thats the first steps into kind of banning the headphones. Cause slowly but surely he will continue to break that rule and eventually she'll tell us "no headphones in class" and then I can't listen to music because of this cunt.
The boys also hit my friend in the head with a ball today. I had thunder on my face so they didn't try and hit me, but I was very mad. I am SO FUCKING MAD at every boy in this class. They all don't know boundaries. I establish from today on that they do not violate our boundaries, and if they do, overreact, I WILL back you up. I'm the head leader. They'll shit on me, not on you.
Ugh. I'm just going to play Royale High. I still want to learn Lua, but I really want to design the campus first. If I make any floor plans for that I'll show you guys.
Also unrelated but can I include my A03 reading on here? I don't think that's normal. I'm working on a "currently reading" page so I thought I should include what I read the most, but maybe not. Lmk if you're interested though.
Date: 01/05/25
So I've been gone for a little while...
I've written all about this in my actual, physical diary so I don't really know what I'm here complaining about, but I'm just going to do it anyway because it is weighing on my mind a bit and bothering me.
I just feel a little childish? Overdramatic? I'm not sure what's the right words. I keep feeling like I'm failing, at what? I can't tell you. But I will tell you that this site is a personal, highly annoying failure to me. I've learned so much doing it, and you know what? Me and Miss-David to the end of the world but I'm so unsatisfied with every direction and unplanned sense of style here. Everybody has a theme here, they all have a core concept they base their site around. Me? I guess it highlights my flip floppy personality. 1 day that whole style ive embodied on my homepage and opening page is all the rage. It's cool for me. I loved it. I made it while I was on break at school. The next day? Man, this is shit. I hate this!!!
Also everything is like half broken here as well. I have to fix the bugs. I'll come clean and say I definitely didn't write the Javascript portion of this specific page. You can tell.
I feel so strongly against AI and yet here I am, relying on it for nearly everything. Most of this site is (now) ChatGPT free, except for this page (just the next button!). My first edition of this site was made entirely with AI and I basically used it to learn CSS. Make it my own. Eventually I just picked up how ChatGPT was doing and I learned from there. Now, I only use ChatGPT for helping me develop my skulls of ideas. For example: homepage. I had a sort of idea I saw on Lovesick's site that I loved so much, then I made V3.0 of this site based on that. Then I realised I had no core concept to this site.
I don't really know where to go from here, really. Not sure why this site exists outside of "well, everybody else's site looks so cool, so I should do that too!" and then I'm here, writing about how I don't know why this site exists.
It gets me every single time. This kind of thing happens outside of web development for me as well. Journaling? Just doing it cause I thought it was cool. Reading? Did it because my mom reads. Making jewellery? Did it cause I learned it in school. For God's sake even my handwriting doesn't even look like my own. It's starting to look like the "Twinkle Star" font. Go search it on Google Fonts.
All of this is to say I'm probably having my teenage identity crisis. It's...highly delayed, considering I'm turning 16 this year and all my classmates look like they've figured at least their style out.
My entire development actually has been shockingly delayed. In grade 7 suddenly all the girls looked less like girls and more like women. I didn't even look like a girl - I was still a child. Mentally and physically. In grade 8 I just had an identity crisis and walked around with pink eyeshadow and too much blush. God - don't remind me of that. Then, in grade 9 I thought I had it all figured out. I found a personal style of...looking like a millenial, and some boys even liked me. Then I discovered "hey...you know this dating thing actually isn't what I want" and I've been questioning everything I knew about myself since. I was freaking out over some guy telling me I was a sweetheart. He probably wasn't even flirting with me. Then he dated my friend and I just felt like "okay, you know what? go walk to open legs, I see how it fucking is." and I never looked back.
That was highkey trauma dumping but you know, character development or something.
This probably didn't make sense but ok.
Date: 10/05/25
I went to Mauritius and my flight was delayed 7+ hours going there and back. Thanks Air Mauritius. Anyway, I'm here because if it's not trauma dumping it ain't me. So I'm thinking of deleting my site and starting over. I'm going to change domains and just link back to this site. I know it's been like 3 months but I actually feel like a totally different person now. I'm a teenager and I'm also having my teenage crisis where I don't know who I am or what I'm here for and I think this site reflects that flippy-floppy part of my personality.
I made a Mauritius diaries page but didn't do much in it cause...well I sat by the pool and ate like a pig all week. I'm kak tired from the plane and I have some left over work I need to finish. I'm not excited for exams and I'm just exhausted.
So enjoy this while it lasts. I'm going to either change this domain or make a whole new one. I think I should make a whole new one, because I don't know if I can part with all the work I poured into here. As ugly as it looks I still want to keep it :( still my first attempt at HTML and CSSđ I feel sad, why do I personify everything. I feel like Miss-David as a person would be crying right nowđđđ
Date: 20/05/25
the way i predicted entry 5. 1 month later this cunt has been listening to music during the exam and now we're BANNED from music and using our phones. what a fucking piece of shit.
Date: 26/05/25
I'm studying for L.O and obviously just to cover all my bases I studied the physical activity as well. It made me think a lot about myself and how I'm feeling at the moment in regards to working out.
Let me just face it; I hate working out. I hate working out with such a passion. The problem is for me is that everybody says "getting up and going to do it is the hard part" but the thing is that even while I'm doing it I'm counting down the minutes until I'm done. And then I somehow have a negative reaction and go and return those calories back straight into my body.
I don't know about anybody else but working out actually makes me feel less good about myself. I don't know if it's just my state of mind at the moment (I'm feeling very destructive, if you can't tell) and I actually only end up getting my 5km run in every Saturday (and it's not even every Saturday anymore...) because I've been doing it for so long.
Also, reverting back to grade 7, but I kind of realised I was the person nobody wanted on their team. I'm just bad. I'm absolutely horrible at any team sport. I'm really just useless. I can't even play soccer. I can't run fast, I get burned out so quickly, I have no desire to be there, I just hate it. I kind of realised I can't actually do sports. I genuinely can't.
I'm so physically weak I can't even move around a stand up paddle board. My arms are so weak I can't even turn the board around. You know when you've hit that stage of "I'm not really growing anymore"? Well, I'm there. Which means I'm going to be physically weak for the rest of my life.
I don't know how to fix all of this. Physical exercise is like hell to me and I can't even do anything about it. Most people like it. I don't know what's wrong with me :(
Date: 27/05/25
i barely survived 2 transactional texts and an essay in afrikaansđ motiveer jou antwoordđđ
anyway, as my teacher was uhhhhh EXPLAINING the FUCKING PAPER you won't believe what our enemy, diddy, did. BRO STARTED THE EXAM. we're in this online school and GUYS. I HATE this invigilator app. like sriously i want to punch this stupid ahh owl thing they have as a logo.
so obviously if my teacher continued speaking she'd give him a violation and they'd give him 0. so i'm there, pointing and going "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM (whispering nochalantly because his phat head didn't turn around and see me) and she just looks, goes "he started his exam?" i nod, and just this absolute DEADPANNED look goes on her face and i turn and i look at my friend and she has the same expression and we all just look at diddy and go "man...what the fuckđ"
that made absolutely no sense but if it ain't broken english it isn't međ
by the way i've written uhhhhhhhhh 6150 words of a fan fiction about alex turnerđ
Date: 28/05/25
braces are off. i need to go back to the orthodontist for my retainer in about an hour and a half, so here's the lore dump on me and why i'm just DONE today
so as a child i had a lot of separation anxiety from my mom, and itâs always kind of lingered as i got older. but you know in the car i told my mom âoh, iâm nervous about it.â THATS LITERALLY ALL IT WAS.
Then when im sitting by my dad I say to him âthat tool they use to take off your braces looks so sore(it was). and he like fucking snapped at me saying âif you want sympathy youâre not gonna get it here.â okay, and that made me feel bad, now youâre telling me that because iâm nervous that iâm looking for sympathy?
anyway, i just suck it up because heâs snapped at me a lot of other times but i donât know, itâs been building the whole day. i felt like yesterday morning that i was just annoying people and that iâm just overbearing a lot of people, but you know, i donât think anything of it.
so my parents keep pouring themselves whiskey, they keep drinking, and they keep getting progressively louder. now iâm lying in bed, trying to sleep, when i hear my dad say âyou know, you need to train that anxiety thing out of herâ oh. OH.
and then it gets worse, because I thought my mom would defend me, but instead she says âno itâs my fault for letting her get like thisâŚâ and âlike you shut her down perfectly earlier about the braces, you should do it more oftenâ âš
i cried myself to sleep after that.
before i did i made some nonsense babble poem. you know itâs bad when i'm making POETRY. POETRY. I DON'T EVEN READ POETRY. (i'm not gonna share it, literal nonsense i tell you)
shoutout to thereâd better be a mirrorball and body paint by arctic monkeys for pulling me through last night!
Date: 31/05/25
This is starting to get really fucking weird. In Mauritius I sat by my mom in the pool and she said "(sister's name) really wants to have a baby - like they'll have one right away" and I replied saying "How do we know if she don't have the baby already?" well...how to turn tables. she announced shes 6 weeks today. WHICH MEANS. WHIP OPEN YO CALENDARS, SHE WOULD'VE HAD THE BABY 2 WEEKS BEFORE WE EVEN WENT TO MAURITIUS.
OH MY FUCKING GOD and then the whole entry 5 thing with the phones.
just leaving this here for me after finding out more family lore: "the history book on the shelf is always repeating itself" please don't die girl you are an icon and i don't have any other siblings
i love youâ¤ď¸